Parents - What are you modeling?

As parents we know how closely our kids are watching us, and seeing if what we say matches what we do. As a follower of Christ that can sometimes be scary. But how can we make that a good thing?

This morning, waiting for the school bus, my youngest son wandered in and asked what I was doing. Seeing the iPad in my hands, I have a feeling he wanted to know what game I was playing (and if he could have a turn). The simple answer would have been "Reading." What I said instead was "I'm reading the Bible. It's talking about how people see God in nature and events. I'm also praying. Is there anything you would like to pray about?"  At this point I expected "No" or "That I have fun at school today." Instead, he asked if we could pray for those people hurt by the earthquake. Whoa. And so we did. And we prayed for mom who wasn't feeling well. And I added a prayer that he have a great day at school :)

Through this I saw two mistakes it's easy for us to make as parents. The first is misunderstanding the call for humility and not calling attention to praying (or fasting) and thinking that we should not be clear to our own children about what we are doing. My children don't see me studying the Bible or spending significant time in prayer after their bedtime or before they get up. There's a huge spiritual component to my life that is invisible to them. If I don't consciously model it or share it with them, how will they learn time with God is the source of my hope and strength?

The second problem is to underestimate our children (especially when they are younger). This leads us to oversimplifying a story or an answer to their question, or failing to talk to them about important things going on in the world around us. We had discussed the earthquake and tsunami in Japan at dinner earlier this week. His takeaway was more than 'weather is powerful'. It was also "The people of Japan are hurting. They need our prayers. They need our help. What can I do?"

So go ahead, let them see you reading the Word, praying, sneaking a kiss with mom. It would have been 'more productive' to wait five minutes until he was on the bus to dive into Romans. I'm glad I chose to jump in while his little eyes were looking.

Review - Fatherless Generation

This week is the blog tour for Fatherless Generation: Redeeming the Story, by John Sowers. It's from Zondervan, who provided a complimentary copy to review for the tour. Sowers shares a powerful message looking at the question: "What does it mean for a generation to grow up without Dad? What happens when Dad walks out the door of your life, never to return? What happens when our givers of life give us a lifetime of tears?" Sower knows this answer first-hand, from personal experience and as leader of The Mentoring Project - a ministry whose mission is to address the significant problem of fatherlessness.

Fatherlessness is a huge problem in this generation. The numbers presented here (though he doesn't talk much about numbers) are staggering. In the US, 33% of youth are fatherless. Children from fatherless homes account for: 63% of youth suicides, 90% of all homeless and runaway children, 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger, and 85% of all youths sitting in prison. The implications in the life of each youth, and for society in generation, make this a tremendous challenge today.

Part One of the book describes the problem of the fatherless generation from various angles, paints a vivid picture of how widespread and important the issue is. Part Two 'Redeeming the Story' talks about things that can actually make a difference in reversing the trend and in reaching out to the fatherless generation. There are a number of great stories and examples here, from Matt Redman and Big Mike, to teenage elephants gone crazy in an unending musth cycle, cutting, teenage pregnancy, and boys and girls desperate for their father's love. The situation comes across times as hopeless, but the goal of the author is to describe just that - a picture of hope, one based in Jesus (who became fatherless for a time) and on the difference the loving, modeling and coaching of a community of mentors can make. He challenges us, and challenges churches, to stand up and make a difference.

I thought the book was very well written, informative, and challenging. I would have like to have seen more about The Mentoring Project, Big Brothers and Big Sisters, or other practical approaches to getting involved in being friends and mentors to youth. He makes it very clear that building trust and relationships takes a lot of time and commitment, done consistently. The huge challenge remains how do we fit something like that into already crazy schedules?! I would recommend the book to anyone unaware of the severity of the problem of fatherlessness and to any person or church leader who is wondering how to make a difference.

Fatherless Generation is available from Zondervan, Amazon or other retailers. (This week only, Oct 11-15th, there is a 50% off coupon from Zondervan). Or check out a free sample excerpt. The forward was written by Donald Miller, who has provided a short video review.

Building Character versus Controlling Behavior

Your behavior is how you act or respond, the things you do or say. Your character is who you are when nobody is watching. Often we forget that our role as parents (or other leaders) is to build character, not just make sure our kids behave the way we want them to. Your character will greatly affect your behavior, but it's a longer and more indirect process to mold character. A parable about character and behavior came to mind as I awoke this morning...

Suppose you're looking to display a beautiful painting permanently on a wall. You've got the painting itself, what everyone sees and which you want to look good, and you have the wall itself - the foundation which must support the painting. How can you make sure that the wall will support the painting over the long haul? Perhaps you'll want to use both glue and screws to make sure the two stay together. (If that's a dumb idea remember I'm not a handyman!) Glue will hold it in place the best, but it may take some time to set, during which the painting might slip down. The screws are something we apply externally to keep the painting in place until the glue dries. We can throw more screws in quickly, but doing so may mar the painting.

What happens if the painting is loose? Tighten the screws, right? Well, if they're loose, yes. But what if you've already tightened them as far as they should go? What if the threads are stripped? Over-tightening the screws at this point is completely counterproductive. You'll make a bigger hole, you'll mar the wall, and no amount of further tightening will help the painting stay in place better. Instead, you're better off taking out the screw, applying some gentle putty and let that take form before you think of replacing the screw (being extra careful this time not to over-tighten again). While you're at it, you should probably check that the painting is still hung level.

Here's the meaning of this parable. The wall is the moral foundation of the child - it needs to be solid and built strong enough to hold the weight of the painting. The painting is the behavior of the child, something we hope looks nice and will continue to do when when no one is around to view it. The screws are whatever actions we take to try to force or manipulate the behavior to stick to the moral foundation for character. The level (for Christians) is the Bible. Most important, but unseen is the painter, God Himself. The glue is love. It needs to be spread liberally, but also needs at times to be firm. It needs to be consistent, and it takes time to apply. The foundation itself cannot be neglected. The putty is forgiveness and forbearance. Screws do have a place, but keep them small and don't over-tighten them. (And for goodness sake man, put down the nail gun!!)

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day! Every year on Father's Day I'm so thankful for the fantastic Dad I have, who's always been there for me, and who has taught me so much. In the past few years, I've also come to be very thankful for the amazing kids I have, who have taught me more about love than anyone else than my maker ever could.

Last week I got to see Connersvine in concert. My favorite song of theirs is "Hero", which Hunter wrote for his son, talking about how he wants to be there for his boy, and pass something on that lives beyond him. We were scheduled to play this song for Father's day, and I knew I was going to cry if we did, so I'm glad when we switched it out. :)

Little did I know that our Worship Leader would instead swap in a video of this song by Brad Paisley - "He Didn't Have to Be". Embedding is disabled, but you can view this song on YouTube - check it out.

It's about a Dad who was special because he chose to be a dad to this boy, a father who was special because he didn't have to be. As an adoptive father of four, I of course lost it on stage. I hate when I do that. But it's ok... it's Father's Day :)

Gotta love the nerf

Kids came home with a nerf football today.

Oh my, guys, I had one of those when I was your age. I think that's the kind I used to learn how to throw a football. Hey! Any of you want to go outside and learn how to throw a football?

Four hands quickly shot up along with choruses of "Me! Me!" I soon found out that throwing a football is not as intuitive as you might think, and it's easier to just do it than to actually teach someone else. (Hmm, that sums up a major issue I'm wrestling with as I try to better understand the process of developing leaders, but I'll leave that for another day) Laces, proper grip, stance, transferring the weight, elbow and arm motion, aiming high...

We had a blast! Despite the fact that it was about as soft an object as you could imagine, they found it almost impossible not to close their eyes and look away in fear as the ball was thrown to them. The youngest and the oldest had better arms than I expected - good accuracy and speed. The middle two boys enjoyed seeing the nerf ball bounce off someone, even themselves.

I think what they liked best was "Go long! Run!!" They would sprint like the wind down the field and watch as the ball was thrown an almost unimaginable distance. They never managed to catch it, but they liked running it back while the other three tried to stop them. My girl outran them as all three boys ran straight at her. Our youngest pulled a super cut-back move and faked everyone out for a touchdown. Of course, that meant I had to pick him up on my shoulders for the victory dance.

All that, beautiful weather, some time biking all together as a family, and a special Mother's day dinner out...
Definitely a fun and memorable day for Daddy and the family:)

Baptizing my Children

Today was an amazing day! It's been a great weekend overall, but the highlight by far was that today I was blessed to be able to baptize my four children at our church. Their ages range from 7 to 10. They were all very excited about it, although the boys are not big fans of water, and it didn't help that the baptismal was filled to almost neck level. Sierra's comment after breakfast summed up their attitude nicely - "Dad, my stomach is telling me I'm a little nervous, but my heart is telling me I'm very excited and happy!" The oldest, she was the first to accept Christ, followed by Christian and Justin, and just recently our middle child David chose to ask Jesus to be his savior as well. When she found out she started dancing for joy, hugged David then told mom and dad - "This is fantastic, the boys and I have been praying for him for years!" I found out recently that her previous hesitation about getting baptized wasn't really fear, but came from a desire to do it together as a family with her brothers. As she explained it, there was a mix of "leave no man behind" as well as "I just know David will ask Jesus into his heart someday soon. He can see all around here that Jesus loves him so much!" It was her last comment that really touched me. Not just from mom and dad, but from brothers and sister, from our friends, from his Sunday School teachers, David could see in the lives (not just the words) of others what it means to follow Jesus, to pray from the heart, to forgive, and to worship. God is in heaven, but he's ever-present in our home and church. Today was also special because it was 'Vision Sunday' and I was one of several people sharing our focus for the next year or so. On setting the date for the baptism I was hoping it wouldn't cut into time for the service. Pastor Chuck laughed and said "Are you kidding? Seeing people become followers of Christ is the vision!" I've never been prouder of my Church family than today - and I'm joyous that God has barely begun His work of transforming lives, and that He will do a great thing in our community and in the hearts of His people. Calvary Baptist Church... thank you so much for loving my family!

When I'm a Dad...

I've found no better mirror of the state of your walk with the Lord than the words of your youngest children, and your own words to them when correcting them. "Son, you know you're not supposed to do that. That was a foolish decision, you know it's wrong, and you're being disobedient to continue with this behaviour." All the while saying this I can feel the tug of the spirit telling me - "Listen closely to what you're saying. Why do you continue to disobey with things you know are wrong?" It's not a comfortable feeling, but at least it reminds me of God's mercy and encourages me to reaffirm my love for my son, a love that isn't dependent on his actions.

His words recently were especially painful as a mirror, after he overheard some arguing. I come downstairs to hear this question from my six-year old son, "When I grow up and become a Dad, will I get to yell at Mommy?" Yikes! Only the lamest of excuses come to mind: "But I was right!" or "Well no, actually I was yelling back, not yelling." Time to get out the fork for another piece of humble pie. "No, son. Dad was wrong to do that, and I'm sorry - to Mom for being disrespectful, and to you, for showing you a bad example. We all get angry from time to time, but that's no excuse for that type of behavior. Why don't we pray together, for me to be the best Dad and the best husband I can be, and for you to grow up to be the type of man that God wants you to be."

His little head nods in understanding, a sense of relief and a small smile comes to his face, and he bows his head with me to pray...